I am five years into the most tortuous and tremendous time of my life. Five years ago I turned 50, I thought it was a milestone and a curse, as it turns out, it is simply the most evolving and deeply teaching time of my life. I am grateful for it, even if I still yearn to be much younger. I have spent, or for lack of a better word, wasted so much of my time worrying about how I should react and how I should appear to others, when I truly should have focused on what things will and do mean in the larger picture. There are no truer words written than “with age comes wisdom”, in my case it may not have appeared that way on the outside much of the time, but somehow, in some odd twists and turns on my journey, I have learned that life is very simple and that I have over complicated many phases of my life with an over zealous attempt at fitting into the mold, not in a Stepford wives fashion, but more generalized to what ever my peers were appearing as at the time. We are brought up to think there are rules when in fact, the rules ultimately are the demise of a goodly portion of our lives, and are the proponents of worry for most of us.
I have been through a particularly cataclysmic time of late, and while usually these type of things give me inspiration, this time it was too much and too close to involve any inspiration, and in fact; I felt void of thoughts about my work, and that in turn drove me near madness each night wondering why I could not center on anything about my art. I did a few sketches and I truly believe at some point I will revisit them for inspiration, or maybe just reflection and will find their true value. It is odd how I can never remember names and a lot of things that I should remember; but somehow I never forget my mindset of the time when I am drawing or painting, it is akin to music that brings you back to the time and place of where you first heard it. It is that exact way for me with drawing. It is literally a shorthand of my life and thoughts, in a cryptic code that only I can decipher. Here are a few of the little sketches I have done over the last couple of weeks while away from the studio. These are tactile and rough, and in this state of being they are the building blocks of which my future work will be created. There are innuendos in each of them that contain moments of time and space loaded with emotional content important to me and as always the figure remains a familiar vessel of comfort to me.
I am happy to say that now I am on the upswing and it seems the familiar and comforting lines and paint yearnings are rising up like a tidal wave ready to crash into a sandy beach and rearrange the surface again. I feel more myself, and ready to work again. I have been out of my studio for a good long while,due to unforeseen circumstances, but I am only now realizing that there is a reality we don’t understand; and the reality of this absence,is that I believe my work will grow stronger for lack of my being physically in the studio. I am mentally and physically having to reevaluate and improvise my thoughts about art and this feels like it is necessary for my growth. I only brought a few art making tools with me, these past several weeks, and it has been a lesson in itself. I have both enjoyed and hated the limited provisions; but I do think it has taught me some valuable lessons about myself and my work ethics. In my studio I am surrounded by supplies, books, found objects of all manner, but here I have paper, limited tubes of watercolor, and graphite. I am a spartan artist at best, these last few weeks, and perhaps this is teaching me to either abhor or appreciate excess. Will let you know how that goes, but either way I feel the growth pains deep in my soul,for my life and my art, which seem to be the one and the same at this point in the journey.
Either way, what I have learned is that when a crisis is near the end, the epiphany begins to emerge and there is no greater comfort to me at this point in my life and career. I will have a truly long and empty drive home, that will be pock marked with sadness over leaving, as it always tends to be, but I intend to pack the time to the max with a filling of the proverbial well with ideas and thoughts on what is to come next in my art. I will have hours to peruse mentally the intricacies of what the last few weeks have imparted to me. I am anxious to see the results of all of this, and to learn the greater meanings to come for me. I know that the most important of all things is love, and that there are no boundaries for it at its purest forms. I have always said this throughout my life, and living the last few years of my life, I am now living it, and for that I am blessed and grateful.
More to come..hopefully…
Thank you for reading my blog, I am always grateful.